Today we’d like to introduce you to Melissa Coats.
Hi Melissa, so excited to have you with us today. What can you tell us about your story?
I always knew I wanted to be a therapist. But if you told me 10 years ago that I was going to end up as a sex therapist, I would have turned beet red, laughed it off, and thought you were crazy. Nevertheless, life takes unexpected turns and I am indeed a sex therapist.
I like to joke that I started my career as a therapist when I became a Mediator in my elementary school guidance counselor’s office. I’m pretty sure Mediators were liked even less than Hall Monitors, but quite literally from the beginning, counseling was in the cards for me. My mother was a Human Resources director and a single mom. She was the unofficial therapist for the employees where she worked and helped countless other single moms learn how to ask for help, implement self-care, build support networks, and practice self-compassion. She also took part in a good amount of her own therapy! As I watched her help develop others, I decided I would make a career out of asking people the right questions.
Turns out, the road to becoming a therapist involves a lot of your own therapy. Throughout grad school, my own personal therapy (individual, couples, and group therapies), and many life lessons, I had to learn to accept my imperfections. I learned that the messy, most painful parts of me and my experiences are what made me more relatable and a better therapist.
Two experiences come to mind specifically that got me where I am today. The loss of my mother and my experience growing up in the evangelical purity movement.
My mother died from cancer when I was 22. My foundation and my guiding light were suddenly crumbling and dimming. I had no idea how to navigate life without her. As I processed my own crippling grief, I was also in the early stages of my career. I was sure that I was going to be the worst therapist of all time since I could barely hold myself together. What I found was that my grief, even though my clients didn’t know what I was going through, was relatable and a point of connection for me and them. I also found great meaning in walking with clients through their painful emotions. As I witnessed my clients heal and flourish, I too began to heal.
While I knew I wanted to be a therapist growing up, the thought of becoming a sex therapist was never even a remote possibility. Besides being the elementary school Mediator, I also like to joke that in High School I was voted “Class Saint” in our yearbook my senior year! I was the good girl. I grew up under the messages of the evangelical purity movement and the thought of even discussing sex would cause me to completely shut down.
A couple of years into my career, I had a supervisor that was a sex therapist and she began to train me in sex therapy. She started sending a couple of referrals for sex therapy clients my way and I was terrified! But also a little intrigued. What I found is that most of my clients were dealing with some form of trauma. Even if it wasn’t the more “obvious” forms of trauma, a lot of my clients were experiencing what I had felt for years…the trauma of shame. People are shamed all the time for who they love, what turns them on, how much or little sex they have, what they should think and feel about sex, their gender expressions, unrealistic expectations, and the list can go on and on.
Once again, I found myself in a position of having to do my own emotional work and healing while walking with others through the healing process. I had to undo the knots of shame that paralyzed me for so many years. And now I get to work with others to help them step into their sexuality, heal sexual relationships, redefine sexual values, break free from shame and trauma, and live their most authentic lives.
I am grateful for my career. I knew I would get to be on the journey with my clients working to live their most fulfilling lives. I did not expect that my career would offer so much healing and fulfillment for me personally. It is truly an honor to do what I do and I am absolutely in love with my job.
We all face challenges, but looking back would you describe it as a relatively smooth road?
Absolutely not! There have been seasons of peace and calm, but I have a feeling I would not appreciate those seasons nearly as much if I didn’t experience the challenges as well.
I mentioned some of the struggles in the last question. But more recently, my struggle has been learning to balance being a working mother. My daughter was born a year ago and I fell head over heels in love with her. What I am not always in love with is the sleepless nights, isolation, unsolicited and unhelpful advice (aka judgments), and zombie-like states I occasionally find myself in! Mothers STILL have to put up with so much sexism and stigma whether they work outside the home or not. I wish more people would understand that mothers are allowed to have all of the feelings about being a mother. They don’t have to be in love with that title every minute of every day, and it doesn’t mean that they are failing as parents or don’t love their children. I find being a mother rewarding and overwhelmingly lovely while also being one of the most difficult phases of my life so far. We are complex beings with the ability to hold both “positive” and “negative” emotions simultaneously.
Again, I am opening a new chapter in my career helping mothers cope with all of the things stacked against them while I myself navigate all of the mom guilt, frustrations, and perfectionism I experience. With the help of my own therapist of course! I have had to learn how to be more flexible in my vision for my life. Before motherhood and the pandemic, I had a whole vision of what I wanted my business to look like. And I have learned that vision is no longer sustainable for my life…right now. It doesn’t mean it won’t be in the future, but I have found that I suffer way less when I allow myself to pivot and be flexible with what I think my life “should” look like.
I hope other mothers out there reading this will feel seen and less alone by learning that we therapists feel the struggle too. It’s real, it’s hard, and it’s ok to have all the feelings. (I am repeating this back to myself as I think it!)
We’ve been impressed with Coats Counseling, but for folks who might not be as familiar, what can you share with them about what you do and what sets you apart from others?
Coats Counseling offers virtual counseling individual, relationship, and group counseling services for adults. We are dedicated to creating space to explore living your most fulfilling and abundant life. We believe healing and wholeness are possible and our therapists are proud to provide quality, culturally responsive therapy to clients of all races and ethnicities, abilities, gender identities and expressions, relationship types, and sexual orientations. Our specialties include sex therapy, anxiety management, relationship therapy, career and vocational challenges, trauma, and grief.
We’d love to hear about how you think about risk taking?
I’m an adventurer. I love hiking, traveling, and trying new experiences like skydiving and canyoning. So I am familiar with taking risks not only in my business but in my adventures. Starting your own business is a risk in itself so I am pro-risks with some caveats.
I once tried to learn how to ride a motorcycle. “Tried” is the keyword there! I was not very good. But where I lived you had to take a course first before you could get your license. The instructor there told us that any time you take a bike out, you take a risk. He made the point that if this is true, then the risks you take should be on par with the experience you have. It would have been foolish for me being the beginner in the class to attempt an Evel Knievel-type jump right out of the gate.
I think the instructor’s advice could be applied to other life scenarios as well. In hiking, I only attempted solo trips after I hiked with experienced hikers, worked my way up to challenging hikes, and learned a good amount of things you can’t learn by reading about hiking on the internet. I once attempted rock climbing on a solo hike and regretted it immediately. Thankfully I didn’t get hurt, but I could have since I had little experience climbing. Likewise, I have not had enough tandem skydiving jumps to attempt a jump on my own yet, so I won’t be doing that any time soon!
It is important to stretch yourself and take risks. I have seen some of the most beautiful places on earth and had some of the most exhilarating experiences because I took risks. In my business, I get to be my own boss because I took a risk! But I did a lot of prep and background work before I took the leap. I learned not only how to be a clinician but how to be a good steward of my business practices.
So yes, take the risk! But set yourself up to do so in a responsible way. Oh and always carry an air horn on a hike!
Contact Info:
- Website: www.coatscounseling.com
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coatscounseling/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/coatscounseling/
- Twitter: https://twitter.com/coatscounseling
