Today we’d like to introduce you to Alicia Cardenas.
Hi Alicia, can you start by introducing yourself? We’d love to learn more about how you got to where you are today?
I left my childhood home in Texas at 19, my whole life packed into my 1995 Nissan Altima, paid for with a student loan that I am continuing to pay on to this day. At the time, I felt trapped in that house, living with a father that I felt personally victimized by, surrounded by past trauma. I was lost. I didn’t have a particular skill or passion, and as my parents put it; I quit everything I tried. My now husband wanted to move back home to Georgia, where he has an accepting family and supportive friends, so we moved and started a life together. From the moment I met my now mother in law, Deborah, she treated me like I was her own. She would invite me into her kitchen, have me do simple tasks at first, then more complex as I learned and gained confidence. Deborah was the first to teach me that food is more than just sustenance. I lived with my in-laws while my husband finished trade school and bonded with them over cooking shows and trying recipes in the kitchen. Once my husband and I got settled, I looked for a job as a vet assistant, as I had certifications for in Texas. I could only find a job as a boarding attendant. I was stressed, overworked, and depressed. We worked hard to buy our first house together, but we still had to have roommates to afford the mortgage. In my spare time, I would cook dinners and bake for all of us. Trying recipes, botching them from time to time. I started to realize that when I was cooking or baking, I felt better. When I made something from scratch, it felt like I was finally succeeding, living and breathing was easier.
Alright, so let’s dig a little deeper into the story – has it been an easy path overall and if not, what were the challenges you’ve had to overcome?
My father died suddenly on New Year’s Eve in 2015. My husband and I drove to Texas surrounded by the sounds of fireworks. Everyone around us was celebrating while I was grieving. I hadn’t spoken to my father in years and suddenly even the possibility of reconciliation vanished. I struggled internally for a long time after he died, I drank myself to sleep, fighting the grief because I felt I hadn’t earned the right to. We didn’t get along. As a child, I was terrified when he came home from work, nothing I did was ever good enough for him. I felt at fault for wishing he was gone as a child. My depression had me spiraling, so I was strongly encouraged to seek help through therapy and medication, and I did. I saw around 15 therapists, was on 19 different medications, and still hadn’t found a combination that worked for me. The process of finding a therapist I trusted, the constant trials and horrible side effects trying to find the right dosage of medications just became too expensive and exhausting. I gave up after a while. Sometimes I really wished I could’ve kept at it but it becomes so tiring and so expensive that I had no other option. I was forced to find other ways to keep myself alive, to have a reason to get out of bed. I realized the only time that I would feel happy was when I was baking and cooking, how I felt accomplished after making something. By this time, we had moved to the city and were fortunate enough that I didn’t need to work anymore, so I started my Instagram food account in 2019. I knew I needed a challenge, something to push myself and struggle at and accomplish. I sat down and wrote down all the dishes I wanted to make and gave myself a year to do it. I didn’t succeed. Don’t get me wrong I completed a lot of those dishes, even added and completed additional ones along the way but I didn’t do them all. Life gets in the way sometimes and other times, you get so attached to a certain food and it takes over. That was bread for me.
As you know, we’re big fans of you and your work. For our readers who might not be as familiar what can you tell them about what you do?
Bread has been my most successful passions. I researched and watched countless sourdough videos and named my starter “Augusten Burr-rose” because Augusten Burroughs is my favorite author and having a puny name for your starter is apparently good luck. I fell in love with the process, the waking up early, having 12 labeled alarms with bread tasks, the different textures of the dough depending on the percentages of hydration. My Instagram was slowly taken over with sourdough loaves and I loved it. When I say I self-heal with food, I mean I am still self-healing. Since therapy and medication isn’t realistic for me, having this love of baking and creating is something I will hang onto as long as I can. I have focused on several things now and my page is wildly different, there’s no theme or aesthetic pictures, just pictures of the desserts or food I made that day. I’ve also been getting into shortbread cookie decorating. My mother Lisa is an artist a painter, and I’ve been using shortbread cookies as the medium to express my artistic side. Self-healing through baking and cooking has been successful because I can see tangible results. I can actually taste and see my talents improving before my eyes, which is very validating. I don’t have to rely on my skills to make a living, which relieves such a huge weight of stress and allows me to continue and push myself purely out of the joy it brings me and the people I’m able to share my food with.
What matters most to you? Why?
When I lost my father, I tried to remember my childhood, and I realized that my trauma blocked most of those memories. I began to feel my Hispanic heritage and culture were mostly absent from my past and my present. I never really understood what being Hispanic meant, I didn’t have an understanding of my cultures, food or traditions and I was never taught the language. What matters most to me right now is the journey I began recently to learn the methods of my ancestors, to share our food with others who have never experienced it, and to immerse myself with the culture my father wanted me to be proud of. I am still learning but feeling closer to my culture is helping me self-heal more than I could have ever imagined. I’ve truly enjoyed including my family in traditions that I love and make me proud to be Hispanic. Two short years ago, I made the decision to invest in my baking and cooking as my last hope to self-heal and every day has been easier than the last.
Contact Info:
- Email: aliciaecardenas@gmail.com
- Instagram: @aliciatrystobake
