Today we’d like to introduce you to Saundra Golden.
Hi Saundra, it’s an honor to have you on the platform. Thanks for taking the time to share your story with us – to start maybe you can share some of your backstory with our readers?
I grew up in Mobile, AL, with both parents and three siblings (all girls). My parents were very church oriented so much so that some people thought my dad was a deacon or preacher, My mother was a stay-at-home mom after my baby sister was born because my dad wanted her to focus on us. I had a good relationship with my mother and we could talk but just not about everything. My father was a strong disciplinarian and my mother mostly followed his lead. My father often worked 2 jobs to make ends meet and while we didn’t have everything we wanted, we always had everything we needed. God always provided for us.
As a little girl, I always wanted to play the piano. I loved listening to other people play and thought it was the most beautiful sound. The way their fingers ran up and down the keys of the piano was captivating. So my parents made arrangements with a prominent church pianist for my oldest sister and I to take piano lessons. Little did I know my whole world would change. My piano teacher would sexually assault me and soon I would find out he did it to my sister as well. She had attempted to tell our parents, but they didn’t believe her and really came down hard on her, and me not wanting the same wrath and not understanding that I could corroborate her story, I sat numbed and quiet not saying anything. At this time I was around 7-8 years old. I no longer wanted to play the piano and asked to stop taking lessons. They did change our piano teacher but it just wasn’t the same desire I once had. The experience changed me. I was no longer the same little girl. Those moments haunted me and I carried them in silence.
Growing up I loved to go to my grandmother’s house. It was so loving. You could feel it the moment you stepped through her door. She would hug me and she’d do special things like cook my favorites foods . It was different than being at home. While my parents loved me, they didn’t really show it. There were not a lot of touching emotions or telling us they loved us, it was by their actions, which I didn’t fully comprehend until much later in life. They showed love differently and while it was alright, it’s just I needed more. I needed to hear the words and I needed and wanted to be held. I needed to feel it. I don’t blame my parents because they were great parents. They were not abusive, alcoholics, partiers or addicts. They raised us the only way they knew how and you can’t blame a person for not knowing. I could have asked to be hugged or I could have initiated it, but I didn’t. I didn’t know how. But no one is the blame. You only can do what you know, and as you learn more, you can only then do better.
As a teenager, I was in the band and later became a majorette. During my freshman year, there was this guy who I thought was cute. He was charming, always paying me attention, telling me everything I wanted to hear or I thought I did at the time. How pretty I was and how nice I looked. He was nice and very attentive. But this didn’t last long, and before I knew it I was in an abusive relationship. The first time he hit me I was taken aback. But he immediately apologized and said he didn’t mean to do it and how much he loved me and that it would never happen again. Unfortunately I believed him. He slowly isolated me from my friends until I didn’t believe I had anyone to tell and I didn’t feel comfortable going to my parents. The piano incident came back to me and I didn’t want that wrath. I didn’t think they would believe me anyway. So for almost two years, I stayed in this relationship off and on. It was not until I had my daughter and an incident occurred with her in my lap that I realized I had to get out. This was not the life I wanted for her. So, it was this defining moment the light bulb came on and I exited the relationship and never looked back. It was me and my daughter against the world.
Years past, I got married had 2 more children, but dealing with my kid’s friends along the years I wanted to write a book that would help prevent them from entering abusive relationships. I know a lot of parents don’t think it’s real but 1 in 3 girls will have been abuse before they exit high school. Abuse isn’t just physical, it’s mental, verbal and sexual as well. But I kept putting it off. I would start then put it down and finally at the urging of my oldest daughter and my husband I wrote and self-published my book, Make It Stop! A Young Woman’s Guide to Overcome or Prevent Dating Abuse. I wanted the book to be educational for those teen girls to know the warning signs and red flags of abuse and if they had already been abused and was suffering in silence as I had, know there were ways to overcome and move on with their lives. I also saw it as a way for mothers and daughters to have a conversation about this when their daughters before they were ready to date.
However, when I launched my book, there were women who purchased my book who indicated to me they too had been abused when dating or at some point in their lives and wanted to thank me for writing the book. They were indicating they had purchased the book for their daughters. I was thrilled. But when I said that’s great way you and your daughter can initiate a conversation about it. You both can read the book, discuss it and you can relate to her with your experience and they all said no way. They were not going to tell their daughters. They would just let them read the book. I was talking to my coach about it and she indicated to me most people don’t want to talk about abuse. But asked me what did I want to accomplish with the book since most parents didn’t converse with their daughters about such topics. With her help I went back and thought about my experience and what I wanted and how could I help these mothers and daughters build relationships to have meaningful conversations. I had to ask myself what was it about my experiences that lead me me not to talk to my mother about my sexual assault with the piano teacher and why didn’t I feel comfortable going to my mother about my abusive boyfriend and why didn’t these mothers want to talk to their daughters about their experience. It was because of the type of relationship they had with their daughters. There was no bond. While yes, they had the mother-daughter relationship but not a bond, where they communicated with each other, I mean have meaningful conversations, listening to them and validating them as well as making their daughter comfortable enough and have a connection whereas as the mother their daughter could and would talk to them about anything.
It was that moment that I pivoted. I have made it my passion and purpose to teach mothers how to build strong solid bonds with their daughters through effective communication. I had to go back to what i did to be the mother I felt I needed during my teen years for my daughters sake. It’s not easy and it wasn’t easy for me. I had to learn how to do this because I didn’t want my daughters to endure what I had. I took a year off of nursing school to do nothing but take psychology courses to heal and learn how to be a mother. I made the decision to read, seek out those who knew more than me and find a way to communicate effectively, actively listen and become relatable and understanding, even vulnerable with my daughters. It didn’t hurt our relationship it turn it into a bond. I have been able to build a connection with both my daughters and we talk about everything and I do mean everything. They still come to me as their go-to person and still no subject is off the table. We have open lines of communication and I love it! I want this for every mother. I have created an 8-week coaching program entitled, Mother Daughter Strong; Strengthening the Mother Daughter Relationship to help mothers with my 3-step C.A.R. method of Communicating Effectively, Actively Listening and Relating/understanding your daughter.
I know this can happen because we are losing our daughters. Our daughters don’t believe they can talk to us or that we don’t understand or listen. In my program, you learn the tools and strategies to show them you do. Each relationship is different even if you have several daughters. I want every mother to experience what I have and am experiencing with my daughters. There’s nothing like the bond you can have with your daughter if you’re willing to realize you don’t have the relationship/bond you desire because the only way you know how to raise her is the way your mom raised you or fearful of what other people will think if they knew you were getting help. Our daughters deserve us and we deserve to have a bond that will transcend time with them.
Can you talk to us a bit about the challenges and lessons you’ve learned along the way. Looking back would you say it’s been easy or smooth in retrospect?
No, it has not been a smooth road. I can remember when people indicated that I would not amount to anything because I was a teen mom and my daughter would not amount to anything. That was hard for me to hear and believe people I knew would think that. I remember getting a job after my baby was born and once the owner of the store learned I had a baby, he let me go. Everything was fine, he said I was one of the best workers always willing to help, always on time and staying over if needed, but once the baby came up, I was let go.
Just learning to be a mother was a struggle. Trying to learn everything I needed to know, going to school and working it was a lot. Trying to get help without people knowing why and what had happened because I never wanted my parents to find out. I was ashamed of allowing it to happen to me and what other people would say or how they would look at me.
It was a struggle for me to even write the book and put my life on front street. It took me years and I do mean years to write this book because of fear and how I thought people would see me or that their opinion of me would change. But it has been worth it. The people I have helped has made all the difference to me because they realized they needed to do something different. They put in the work to make a change and did it and it was great to be a part of it and see it.
It’s still a struggle. I want mothers to see the type of relationship they can have with their daughters, but some don’t believe that it is a problem. So, they don’t understand why I do what I do. But giving your children everything they want is not you being present in their lives and having a relationship, a bond with them, it’s simply giving them everything they want. Without having meaningful conversations and effective communication, there really isn’t a relationship. It’s just two people co-existing in the same space.
Thanks – so what else should our readers know about your work and what you’re currently focused on?
I hold a Bachelor of Science Degree in Nursing as well as a degree as a Legal Nurse Consultant. Currently, I work for a Home Care Provider as a Corporate Nurse Consultant. I have always loved to help people. With my business, it’s just a different way to help. My business is Saundra J Golden, LLC and as I stated, I teach mothers to build strong bonds with their daughters through effective communication. I provide coaching for mothers through my 8-week coaching program on how to C – Communicate effectively with their daughters. How to have meaningful conversations and initiate conversations for those difficult topics such as sex, drugs, dating, how to set boundaries in relationships, etc. A – Actively listening which requires a skill. But it can be taught through different strategies and R – Relating/Understanding helping them to be more relatable with their daughter.
Showing them they are human just like them and they have made mistakes. Learning to validate their daughters. I also provide workshops for teens to help them learn about healthy, safe dating. Most mothers/parents indicate their daughters can date when they turn 16. But what’s so magical about 16. What are you doing as a mother to prepare her for dating and everything she may encounter. Does she even know what type of relationship she wants. So, I help prepare them with what healthy relationships are, dating, establishing, setting and enforcing boundaries. What makes me different and sets me apart is I have actually experienced all of this and have learned the tools and strategies and they have worked for me, and my daughters, my nieces and my clients.
I am most proud of the relationship I have built with both of my daughters that I still have. They even bring their friends over to talk to me about anything and I keep it real. If it’s something I experienced, I let them know I can relate because I experienced it, what happened and how I handled it and how I would handle it differently today. I want them to know I’m not perfect and it’s okay because life is a learning experience for all who want to grow.
Any advice for finding a mentor or networking in general?
I believe mentors and coaches are great. You can bounce ideas off them and sometimes they can see things you don’t or see it from a different point of view. I am grateful for my Coaches Jasmine Womack and Tonya Carter and the entire Empact Team. It was good to have the support you needed in an environment who could motivate you and see the bigger picture for you and help you bring to life your purpose the way you wanted.
Contact Info:
- Website: www.saundragolden.com
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/saundrajgolden/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/saundrajackson.golden
