Conversations with Nick & Steven The Hard Truth Club

Today we’d like to introduce you to Nick & Steven The Hard Truth Club.

Hi Nick & Steven, so excited to have you on the platform. So before we get into questions about your work-life, maybe you can bring our readers up to speed on your story and how you got to where you are today?
We are Nick and Steven, married gay dads of The Hard Truth Club. We have known each other for almost 15 years and been together for 13, which means we have gone through many of life’s ups and downs together. Since the beginning, a family was something we talked about, but as two gay men, wanting to have kids and actually figuring out how to make that happen are two very different things.

There were so many questions in the beginning. Do we adopt? Can we pursue surrogacy? Is this actually something that is going to be possible for us? There really isn’t a clear roadmap, and we spent a lot of time just trying to figure out what building a family could look like for us.

We ultimately decided to pursue surrogacy with guidance from an agency with an egg donor and gestational carrier. This was something we know we were incredibly fortunate and privileged to even have as an option. After a journey that definitely wasn’t always easy, we became dads to our little girl.

Something we weren’t really prepared for was how much becoming a parent changes your own identity too. We had spent so much time figuring out how to become dads that we hadn’t really thought about who we would be once we were dads. Our routines changed, friendships changed, priorities changed. We loved being parents, but at times we also felt a little lost trying to figure out where to fit in this new stage of life.

We think a big part of that was wanting to find our people. We wanted to connect with other LGBTQ+ parents and families who understood some of our experience without needing an explanation. At the same time, once you become a parent you realize so much of what you’re going through is just parenting. You’re tired, your kid is doing something completely unhinged, you’re trying to find time for your marriage, and half the time you’re wondering if anyone actually knows what they’re doing.

That’s really where The Hard Truth Club started. It’s still very new and we are definitely figuring it out as we go. Right now it’s mostly pieces of our life, some of our experience as two dads, and a lot of funny or relatable parenting and marriage content.

We don’t really know what The Hard Truth Club will become yet. For now, we are having fun with it, meeting some great people, and trying to share our life in a way that actually feels like us. We love the life we’ve built, but we definitely don’t have it all figured out. We think that’s kind of the point.

Can you talk to us a bit about the challenges and lessons you’ve learned along the way. Looking back would you say it’s been easy or smooth in retrospect?
Definitely not. We always want to start by acknowledging that we were incredibly fortunate to even have surrogacy as an option. It’s expensive, complicated, and simply isn’t accessible to a lot of people who would love to become parents. That’s something we don’t take for granted.

At the same time, having the privilege of pursuing surrogacy didn’t mean the road itself was easy. There were a lot of unknowns, a lot of waiting, and some really difficult moments along the way.

It ultimately took us three embryo transfers to have our daughter. We think by that third transfer we had almost trained ourselves not to get excited anymore. Even when it worked, we had a really hard time believing that this was actually going to happen for us. We remember feeling like we were constantly waiting for the next appointment, the next test, the next milestone before we could let ourselves breathe. It wasn’t until pretty far into the pregnancy that we finally started allowing ourselves to believe we were actually going to become dads.

And then you become parents and realize getting there was only the beginning.

We think there was also some guilt in admitting any of it was hard. We had wanted to become dads for so long, spent so much to get there, and knew how fortunate we were to finally have our daughter. It can make you feel like you’re not supposed to complain. But then you’re exhausted, your relationship has changed, you don’t see some of your friends as much, and you’re trying to figure out who you are outside of being someone’s dad. Being grateful doesn’t make any of that disappear.

We’ve both have gotten much better at letting both things be true. We can feel incredibly lucky to have this life and still admit that some days are really freaking hard.

Accepting that has actually been a big part of our journey. We stopped expecting ourselves to have it all figured out and started looking for people who were willing to be honest about the messy parts too. In a lot of ways, that’s what eventually led us to start sharing more of our own life and looking for that community.

Thanks – so what else should our readers know about your work and what you’re currently focused on?
Outside of The Hard Truth Club, we both have careers that are pretty separate from what we share online. Nick is a licensed clinical social worker and Steven works in human resources.

Our day jobs are very different from each other, but in a funny way they both involve a lot of working with people, navigating relationships, and solving problems. Then we come home and have a three-year-old reminding us that none of our professional experience has actually prepared us for everything.

We try to keep our professional lives separate from what we share through The Hard Truth Club. Neither of us started this with the intention of turning our careers into content or positioning ourselves as experts online. It’s really the opposite. This has become a creative outlet where we can be dads, husbands, and ourselves outside of our professional roles.

We think that’s part of why we’ve enjoyed it so much. Our careers are important to us and we’re both proud of the work we do, but they’re only one part of who we are. The Hard Truth Club gives us a completely different space to be creative, laugh at ourselves, share some of our family life and connect with people we probably never would have met otherwise.

We’re still figuring out how all of those pieces fit together, but right now we really enjoy having both.

Are there any apps, books, podcasts, blogs or other resources you think our readers should check out?
Honestly, when we first started thinking seriously about becoming dads, the internet and social media were huge resources for us. We joined Facebook groups, attended online information sessions, and probably spent more hours than we’d like to admit researching all the different ways two dads could actually build a family.

Social media was especially helpful because it gave us a chance to see families that looked like ours before we had one of our own. Organizations and accounts like Men Having Babies, Gays With Kids, and Family Equality helped us learn from other people’s experiences, understand some of the realities of surrogacy and LGBTQ+ parenthood, and honestly just see that the family we were imaging was possible. Family Equality has also helped us better understand some of the advocacy happening for LGBTQ+ families and what the fight ahead can look like.

There are also so many podcasts out there now sharing LGBTQ+ family-building stories. A special shoutout to the Becoming babyREADY Podcast, which we’ve had the opportunity to go on and share more of our story. We also enjoy other podcasts including Fathernetics, The Queer Family Podcast, and Love, Take Two. Hearing other people’s stories has always been helpful because no two paths to becoming a family look exactly the same.

And when we’ve had enough serious conversations about parenting, family building and life and just need to laugh, we’re probably listening to Good Hang with Amy Poehler or I’ve Had It Podcast. Sometimes that’s the resource you need too.

Contact Info:

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thehardtruthclub/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheHardTruthClub/
• Other: Email: HardTruthClub@gmail.com